Dear family and friends, 

Forgive the presumption, but many of you have asked about the sermon I preached on March 21st. It was the first time I had been in the pulpit since I became ill three years ago. It was was a red-letter day! I sat on a stool behind the pulpit, but I got through the two services. I chose an old sermon for energy conservation reasons, and the one that was most appropriate to Lent happened to be the sermon I had been required to write as part of my preparation to become a pastor. I was assigned a passage from 2nd Corinthians that allowed me, in fact virtually required me, to reflect upon my experience with CFS. 

Before I read the New Testament lesson, I need to tell you a few things about this passage and how it was selected. In 1994 I started working on my resume, my Personal Information Form, or PIF as it is called in Presbyterian lingo. Those of you who have served on PNCs (Pastor Nominating Committes) or APNCs (Associate Pastor Nominating Committees), are very familar with PIFs. At the same time I began working on my PIF I also began working on a sermon required by the CPM (Committee on Preparation for Ministry). 

You need to know that I did not get to choose my own text - this committee specifically hand picks a text for each candidate based on their background and experiences. The text I was given was 2 Cor 12: 1-10. These verses are a small part of a larger passage in which Paul is defending his credentials as an apostle. A faction in his congregation has been influenced by some Jewish Christians who have arrived, boasting about their credentials as leaders, and criticizing Paul's. In response to this challenge to his authority, Paul feels forced into boasting about his own religious qualifications. It's a real dilemma for him, because he believes such boasting is foolish and inconsistent with the gospel. But Paul finds an interesting way out of this dilemma, though it makes the passage sound rather strange to our ears. Since one of the things these super-apostles, as Paul sarcastically called them, were boasting about was extraordinary visions, Paul recounts his own vision, but to avoid boasting about himself he describes it as though it happened to someone else. He also satirizes the manner in which they have evidently described their own visions. Keep all this in mind as you hear this passage, the first part of which will sound strange, and the last part of which will sound familar, though I did change a few words based on my study of the original Greek, which I had to do for the paper I wrote for Presbytery to show them that I really had studied it and could use it. Hear now the word of the Lord as it comes to us from Paul's 2nd letter to the Corinthians, chapter 12, verses 1-10. 

Chapter 12 1 It is necessary to boast; it serves no good purpose, but I will go on to visions and revelations of the Lord. 2 1 know a man in Christ who fourteen years ago was caught up to the third heaven whether in the body or out of the body I do not know; God knows. 3 And I know that such a man -- whether in the body or out of the body I do not know; God knows -- 4 was caught up into Paradise and heard things that cannot and may not be spoken by mortals. 5 On behalf of such a one I will boast, but on my own behalf I will not boast, except of my weaknesses. 6 But if I wish to boast, I will not be a fool, for I will be speaking the truth. But I refrain, so that no one may think more of me than what he sees in me or hears from me. 7 Therefore, because of the extraordinary greatness of the revelations, a thorn was given me in the flesh, a messenger from Satan to batter me, to keep me from exalting myself. 8 Three times I entreated the Lord about this that it would leave me, 9 but the Lord said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is fully present in weakness." Therefore I will most gladly boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may dwell in me. 10 Therefore I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am full of power.

I sat at my computer, staring at the words I had just finished typing: "Personal Information Form". Thrilling words, because they represented the light at the end of the seminary tunnel and the doorway to a call to a church. But those words were also a little daunting, because I wanted every phrase to be perfect, and represent me at my very best, so that PNC's would read my PIF and say "Wow, maybe she's the one we've been looking for. We've got to talk to her?'

I reached for a file I had begun accumulating from presbytery packets a few years ago: other people's PIF's. I spread them out just to look for the best organization, the clearest layout, and the most professional font. But I also couldn't help noticing the content: long lists of impressive accomplishments, extensive community involvements, and references from well-known people! I have to confess that I was a little dismayed. As someone shortly out of seminary, my credentials just couldn't match those who had been in ministry for years. I was suddenly compelled to find the most impressive descriptions for my activities, to ask people with impressive titles to be my references, and to run out and join several community organizations! And this urge to boast about who I was and what I had done made me uncomfortable.

How valid are the qualifications we set for ministry? Would Jesus or Paul have had impressive PIF's? What are appropriate qualifications for ministry? How do we measure them or find words for them and put them on paper?

Somewhat disgusted with myself, I set aside my PIF, what little there was of it, and turned to the passage in 2nd Corinthians I had been assigned as a sermon text. And I discovered that qualifications for ministry and the desire to boast about them is by no means a new topic.

As I explored the context of this passage I discovered an outraged Paul forced into boasting about his religious pedigree in order to defend his credentials to a quarrelsome and disenchanted congregation. But Paul pulled off a brilliant switch with his opponents. Though he could have beaten these "super-apostles" at their own game, and he indirectly let them know it, he changed the rules by boasting not about his status and accomplishments, but about his sufferings and weaknesses.

We are not sure what specific weakness his "thorn in the flesh" referred to. Many possiblities have been suggested. But what truly matters isn't the specific nature of Paul's thorn, but the fact that this thorn fostered a dependence upon God that allowed the power of God to take root and flourish in his life.

Having grown up in Texas, I've seen many a lawn baked and burned by our blistering hot summer sun, including our lawn last summer. A friend of ours has two-and-a-half acres of the greenest most gorgeous lawn you've ever seen. Several summers ago she received her water bill for the month of August and went into shock. $600. She decided it was time to adjust the programming of her automatic lawn sprinkler. Maintaining a healthy green yard during Texas summers requires diligence and a willingness to pay those high water bills.

I remember hearing on the radio that if you pamper your grass by watering it some everyday, it's roots will never grow deep, and it may not make it through a dry spell. But if you water less often, but soak it thoroughly when you do, and let it completely dry out, then its roots will be forced to grow deep and strong, reaching down to the life-giving moisture waiting below the surface. The grass flourishes even when suffering through difficult times. The grass flourishes because it has suffered through difficult times. Like Paul, I too have a thorn in the flesh, one that has given me an all too literal experience of weakness. In 1987, while in seminary, I was hit with a flu that wouldn't go away. Later I learned it was Chronic Fatigue Syndrome. Such an innocent, harmless sounding name for such a devastating illness. There are times when I wished I lived in England or Australia where this illness is called myalgia encephalomyelitis! Chronic Fatigue Syndrome turned what should have been a four-year dual-degree program into an eight-year marathon that included two separate leaves of absences and many semesters of reduced class loads. Extreme fatigue, fever, muscle aches, joint pain, lymph tenderness, headaches, sleep disorders, light and noise sensitivity and cognitive problems are some of the symptoms that periodically disrupted my life. In 1987 I was bedridden, hospitalized briefly, and then gradually recovered over a year or so. I made a complete recovery and had two completely healthy years before getting hit again and falling into an even worse relapse that lasted almost four years. Again, I gradually returned to functionality.

In May of '94, with my energy and health at about 90%, I finished up my academic work at seminary and began looking for an internship position. I needed a couple of field education credits. I connected with a church in NC that had just called an interim pastor and was looking for an interim associate pastor who would be willing to make a minimum two year commmitment. If you know anything about how long it takes Presbyterians to find and call a pastor, much less two, you'll understand why it was a two year deal. We discovered that my skills and gifts matched their needs, and I became their Associate in Ministry, a title we actually borrowed from this church. In six months I finished my internship period, and in May of '95 I graduated from seminary.

The church hoped I would be ordained then, since some presbyteries do ordain people to interim positions. But the politics got complicated and Presbytery said no. Some church members were rather upset. I wasn't. Not really. What mattered was doing ministry, not the title that came with it. What mattered was putting my skills and abilities to use in the church in a way that furthered God's presence and purposes in the world. And I was able to do that with or without the official title.

A year after I arrived at the church, they called a new head of staff. We discovered that we worked extremely well together and the church negotiated a process with presbytery that would allow me to be called, ordained and installed as their Associate Pastor. The process meant starting from scratch with an APNC that reviewed over 60 PIF's and interviewed numerous candidates.

In March of 1996 two very important things happened. On March 10th I became ill with what I hoped was just a flu bug, but as the days went by it gradually evolved into frighteningly familiar symptoms. On March 14th I dragged myself off the couch and to church for my formal interview with the APNC. It's very strange to interview for a job that you've been doing for 20 months. I learned later that the APNC had voted to recommend that the congregation call me as their Associate Pastor.

Two weeks after I became ill I was bedridden, running fever, in extreme pain and totally brain-fogged out, and I had to admit that this was not the flu. I took a leave of absence that became permanent. The care the church extended to me was incredible. The women brought a meal to my door every day for seven months. They ran errands, did my grocery shopping and laundry, flew my mother out for a week, and amazingly, continued to pay my salary for five months until I was granted disability. God's love and grace were indeed made tangible and visible.

My last official day of work, and the last time I stood in the pulpit in Rocky Mount, was a Sunday - the third Sunday of March, 1996. I did not realize when I agreed to preach today that it would be exactly three years to the Sunday since I had last stood in the pulpit and led worship. I want to share with you a few of the gifts that have come out of my experience of illness, weakness and suffering. I now have a much greater awareness of my own limits and am usually able to live creatively within them. I learned to ask for and accept help, and discovered that when I do it builds relationships and community. Most significantly, this illness forced me to dig down deep for the true source of my identity and worth, and to find it in God rather than in my accomplishments. CFS robbed me of the ability to earn or achieve my way to a sense of self worth. Confined to bed for months at a time, I couldn't do any of the things that once brought such a sense of accomplishment and value to my life. No more high grades, honors or awards. I struggled to discover who was I apart from the things I did. In this experience of suffering and weakness, in the midst of this drought, I had to sink my spiritual roots down deep. And I found a sense of peace and a source of strength that I had never known before. I discovered, or was gifted, with the realization that my identity is rooted not in doing, but in being; not in what I do, but simply in who I am, or actually whose I am. restored to relationship with God by Jesus. it's enough. It's more than enough. I'm a child of God, saved and I'm a beloved child of God and I found wholeness in the midst of this illness. When I recovered the second time and began working at the church in Rocky Mount, I felt free to use my gifts and abilities simply because I could and because they were needed, and not out of an almost paralyzing need to earn approval. Out of a confining illness came real freedom. Out of weakness came true power: the power that is tapped only when we stop depending on ourselves and turn to God, who is the ultimate source of all energy and wholeness and life.

This amazing paradox of God's power coming to fullness within our weakness is true not only of individuals, but also of churches. While teaching in Japan I met several missionaries who had begun their careers in China, but were forced out during the radical upheaval that culminated in the Cultural Revolution. For the Chinese, and especially for the Chinese Christians, this meant 25 years of isolation, silence and suffering. Many mission organizations feared that the Christian communities they had planted and nourished had withered and died during those turbulent years of drought.

How little we sometimes expect of the Spirit of God, and how little we understand the incredible power that can be released when weakness and suffering lead us to put our roots down deep into God and hang on. For when China was reopened the world discovered two awesome things. First, the church still existed, and it existed with great power and vitality. The church that had gone into hiding, meeting secretly in groups of three and four; the church whose Bibles and hymnals were confiscated; and the church whose members had faced suffering, starvation, the loss of jobs, homes, dignity, and sometimes their lives; this suffering, weak church not only survived, but it grew. When church doors were reopened the buildings filled to overflowing. Young people flocked in to learn more about the faith that so many had been willing to suffer for, and by which so many had been sustained.

The second awesome thing the world discovered was that the church was now truly Chinese. No longer is Christianity seen as a "foreign, Western" religion. During these difficult decades when the church lost all overseas support and personnel, it discovered that it could stand on its own. The church put its roots down deep not only into the heart of God, but also down into Chinese soil, and all denominational and confessional divisions fell away. Truly, God's power comes to fullness within weakness.

There is incredibly good news in this passage. Just when things look the worst and the world would tell us that all is lost, there is no hope, that we might as well call it a day and give up, that's when God can be most powerfully at work. Our God is a God of amazing paradoxes and reversals, always working in the most unlikely places and through the most unlikely people. And this is no surprise, for it is in the cross, the place of the greatest weakness and vulnerability the world has ever known, that God's power was most fully, finally, and clearly manifested. 

My prayer for all of us is that during times of suffering and weakness we may put our roots down deep into God, giving the Spirit ever fuller channels through which to breath God's power in, to our lives and into our world. 

Amen.

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